Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
My life is pants optional.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
