i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
