watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
it's like heaven, but drunker
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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