just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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