I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
