How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
