listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
