Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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