I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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