I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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