yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
