Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
