I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
