smell my finger.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
