Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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