Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
