How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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