remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
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