dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
