I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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