I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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