I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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