fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
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He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
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I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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