Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
