Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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