I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
