just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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