2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
