Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
