i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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