my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
