Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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