I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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