I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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