Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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