Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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