I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
