Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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