Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
