Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
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You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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