I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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