It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
