From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize