hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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