So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
