your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
