I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
