I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
