I cannot find my penis.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
