"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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