I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?