You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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