So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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