i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
