I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
