i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
