I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I didn't shave. On purpose
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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