Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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