John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
