Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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