"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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