Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
