i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
