Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
