I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
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