I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
All I want is dick and wine.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
