he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
