I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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